She's Just Not That Into Car Seat Covers, Either: How to shop for the woman in your life, part II

Gentlemen, the marketing campaigns of the retail industry are ruining you. The Holiday commercials are not your friend, nor are they providing you with suggestions. Now that we've covered the fact that Kay Jewelers is not the Mecca of the emotional and heartfelt gift that the commercials would have you believe, I should mention some other potential pitfalls that could victimize even the savviest male shopper.


The Trap:
- Precious Moments figurines. Why don't we just call these what they really are; dust-collectors and breakage landmines for homes with cats. Maybe it's the big, creepy kewpie-doll eyes. Maybe it's the fact that even the "grown-up" figurines look like they're about 5 years old. Maybe it's the fact they they all have some cheesy religious poem inside them. I don't know what it is, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that the woman in your life is going to feel approximately 126% less turned-on once she removes the packing peanuts and pulls one of these babies out of a box that looked suspiciously like it could contain jewelry.

Just Married...what is this, the YFZ Ranch?! They look 8 years old!



- "Presents we  BOTH like!" Jerry Seinfeld once said, "there's no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.' Same rule applies to gifts. With the rare exception of novelties that I can't mention here (this is a G-rated blog), most gifts with a 2-party benefit are a no-go. This includes XBox games, dart boards, doberman pincers, unisex pajama jeans (the unsexiest phrase in the English language), tickets to sporting events (unless you're both die-hards) and lottery tickets. Now I know the Christmas lottery ticket commercials are alluring, but stay the course and trust me. The 'scratching film' gets under our finger nails, and MAN, that stuff is hard to get out...

- Convenience Presents Offering to pay that bill, buy that tank of gas, run that errand... these are all VERY sweet gestures, and yes you should do them occasionally. But 'Accrued Gifts' are something I should only ever hear about when I'm doing an audit. Ask yourself... is it more fun to open a gift on Christmas morning, or be reminded about that time that she paid off your parking ticket?

[NOTE: this is different from "advanced gifts"... i.e. ones that you've gotten her input on, then had her forget about until Christmas morning. Those are encouraged!]

Next we'll cover gifts that she'll actually like. Maybe even love. I've earned your trust at this point, right? I wouldn't steer you wrong!

She's Just Not That Into Ceramic Figurines (How to shop for the woman in your life) Part One

Well, Nordstrom may be fastidiously holding out on their Christmas decorating until after the next legal holiday, but for everyone else, the season started once CVS started putting out the red and green M&M's (the day before Halloween.)

It's time to get serious about what you will be getting the woman/women in your life this Christmas. I will be giving advice in the form of several blog installments, so keep up with me here.

Now before I begin, I just have to get something off my chest...I ABHOR those insipid Kay Jewelers commercials. Am I right?! The ones that feature a [soldier/new dad/ethnically ambiguous boyfriend/deaf person] surprising his [wife/mother/shacker/ethnically ambiguous blind person] with a black box that contains a hideous piece of lacquered crap designed by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Jeweler Extraordinaire. No thank you, I'd rather have a Yankee Candle.

What the audience won't know is that she's actually making the ASL symbol for "worst commercial ever." 

Moving right along, allow me to present you with some helpful tips on choosing a gift that won't make you look like a doofus on Christmas morning when she surprises you with a handmade reclaimed barnwood sled that she made off of Pinterest.


LESSON ONE: She doesn't want something practical.
Remember that time you were walking through Lowes and she mentioned (probably out of boredom) that she liked those "cool shower rings"? Yeah, she doesn't want them to show up on Christmas morning. She was dropping a hint, alright...a hint that she wanted to leave the hardware store because she was at the boredom stage where un-cute things look exciting. We've all been there.


Next up, I'll tell you why you should never enter a Precious Moments store. Stay tuned...

Reveling in the Awesome: Being Young and Alive

This past weekend was abnormally fantastic. Do you ever have one of those perfect days when your hair looks great, every light is green, your car seems to be using not as much gas as usual, and you can immediately put your hands on the EXACT outfit you want to wear without blowing out your closet? String together 3 days like that, and you'd have my weekend.


Story time: On Friday, I turned 26. It's a nice year when you type it out. Nice numbers. BONUS, I'm still considered "mid-twenties." Mid-twenties means that I can continue to shop at H&M, and buy the girl's size Nike running shorts (hey, they're cheaper.) It means I can go out in public with chipped finger nail polish without people thinking I'm mentally ill. I can eat a meal consisting of Spaghetti-ohs without judgment, if I want to. My body piercings are considered legitimate and not desperate. Nobody asks me when I want to get married or have kids. And perhaps the most fun thing of all...I can play the "Oh sorry, that must have been before my time" card when "real adults" talk about 80's TV shows.

The weekend began with a deluge of texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages. Seriously, my phone buzzed every 10 seconds. Being an accountant, I started wondering if anyone ever considered using a "Birthday Wall Post per Hour" formula to calculate one's "Friend Density". Actually though, the fact that I just wondered that out loud makes me a loser. Furthermore, I finished up one of my high-profile and high-maintenance audits at work, received flowers at my desk from the most incredible and handsome guy (think: Benjamin Bratt + Bradley Cooper with a light dusting of Daniel Craig), and went out Friday night with my friends AND my parents. I mean, how cool is it that I have parents that still love to go out? I think I'm going to jump on their life schedule so that by the time I'm their age I can still go out with my kids.

Saturday morning my body rewarded my steadfast commitment to having only 4 drinks by granting me just a teensy hangover. We headed down to the Wake Forest game (BenBradleyDaniel included) and met up with my sister and brother. The game was GREAT fun, and as per every football game I didn't particularly care who won or lost. I barely picked up my phone to tweet, text or 'book because I was having such a fabulous time that I wanted to contain it all within myself for a little while. Sunday began with a delicious breakfast and a nice, leisurely drive back to Richmond where on the way we stopped at a new outlet center. BBD enjoys shopping as much as I do, and doesn't even mind my color-commentary on the state of fashion. ("Ew, what IS that? Who would wear that? It looks like something worn by a gay Honduran baby during a flood...but just for grins, how much is it?") I gave up on finding a guy who embraces my quirks a long time ago; at this point I'm just going for "tolerance." BBD, however, seems to both tolerate and enjoy. Strange. Maybe he has an undiagnosed hypersarcasm disorder. Either way, I'm buying whatever he's selling.

I've had a lot of cool, fun things strung together in a short amount of time. This got me thinking about OTHER awesome things that improve my quality of life. Here are a few others I've thought of:

- Chicken fingers. Any time is a good time. But don't bother asking to share with me because I'll order honey-mustard AND barbecue sauce, double-dip in both of them so that one ends up looking like lava and the other one like gravy. The only person in America that this is appetizing for is me.
- Along those lines, Chik-Fil-A. Hearing someone say "My pleasure" will never get old for me.
- Those plastic thingies at Starbucks that you put in the top of drinks to keep them from spilling. Clearly the inventor of this ALSO had a Burberry scarf that they didn't want to ruin with a soy latte.
- That glossy sheen on the top of fall leaves.
- When you climb into your car at the end of the day and it happens to be the PERFECT temperature.
- Boots. Frye Boots. Particularly, the ones that BBD got me for by birthday.
- When you drive by a house or business and see Christmas lights and think, "this person likes Christmas as much as I do... we would totally get along!"

What improves YOUR quality of life? What did you do this weekend that reminded you of how much you love being young and alive? Let's hear 'em!

Support Groups we Really Need

Okay, the past two months have been really jarring. Not just for me, but for some of my "inner circle" as well. I'm talking break-ups, move-outs, job loss, family member loss, pet loss, etc. My Facebook new feed has looked like a 2-month long Oprah recap. I'm almost afraid to 'book it up every morning just out of fear that some new crisis will have occurred in the small window of time since I've check it last.

                                       We get by with a little help from our fellow non-sober blond friends.

Everyone knows that support groups exist for people going through major life traumas; addiction, disease, psychological problems, etc. These are normal, necessary, and help people out by giving them a sounding board for to express their feelings in a place where they can feel validated and unjudged.

You know what I think would be fantastic? If we could all just collectively form a cluster of "20's Support Groups." Some people would argue that that's exactly what a bar is, but let me elaborate...

I've already blogged about how I felt when M and I broke up; I felt like the weight of my grief was literally crushing me. I woke up every morning with a leaden anvil of pain and anxiety sitting on my chest. I had to dictate, second-by-second, what I needed to do in order to get through the day; "Now you need to put clothes on. Now you need to drive to work. Now you need to eat dinner", etc. My friends were, in a word, fantastic. I received texts, phone calls, cards, hugs, and emails from people who hadn't talked to me in ages yet wanted to show that they cared about me. I was an unknowing member of a huge, disjointed support group.

To my friends experiencing similar sadness right now, wish I could have all of us in a large multipurpose room with plastic stacking chairs and free Maxwell House coffee, comparing stories. Giving advice. Laughing. Reminding each other that the days will keep coming and coming and all we have to do is stay the course and get through each one. It's Candyland. Our twenties are fun and colorful; they begin like a game. Sometimes we get a bad roll and have to start over at the beginning, even when we've been ahead the whole time. Next time though, you might roll doubles and get to take the express Lollipop bridge to the Gumdrop Forest (don't you sit there and pretend like you don't know this game, pshh...)

Sometimes you feel like you've been losing whole time and just want to quit. That's what the support group is for! Hand the dice to a friend and let them roll for you to get you through the next turn.

Just because what you're experiencing isn't considered a "life crisis" as described by 'DSM4' doesn't mean that you wouldn't benefit from a support group.

Here are some that I propose:
- Breakup 101: What to Expect in the First Weeks After a Breakup of 2-Year + Relationship (M,W,F 6:00-7:00)
- Breakup 201: Intermediate Breakups: Handling Awkward Conversations, Allowing Yourself to Say his Name, and Getting all of your Stuff Back (M,W,F, 7:00-8:30)
- Breakup 400: Advanced Breakups: Starting New Relationships, Calling the New Person by the Correct Name, Avoiding the Ex's Friends in Public, Etc. {For Additional Credit: Emotional Baggage Seminar] T, TH, 6:00-7:00
- "Is Grad School for Me?" Open Forum/ Roundtable Discussion (Sundays, 5-7)
- "Am I the Only One who was Never Taught about Car Maintenance?" Hands-On Class with Demonstrations (T, TH, 5-6)
- City Apartment Living 201: Door Locking, 'No-Parking' Sign Obedience, Advanced Rapist-Spotting (Mondays, 8-9)
- "Study Abroad: Shacking in Downtown Shockoe Bottom" Semester length varies
- Cooking 301: Cooking for Singles; Lean Pocket Emphasis (Monday-Sunday, Nightly)



What are some support groups YOU'D be interested in?