PERFECT week for every lame and bothersome event in the world to occur.
Below you will find a list of things.
These are things that I am blowing the "lame whistle" for. Judgment-free. No whining allowed. Keep your hands to yourself. Ready, set here we go...
- Magic Mike, which I am renaming what it should really be called: Magic Penis.
For the PAST. THREE. WEEKS. I have endured every cheesy commercial, every radio plug, every woman in my life getting their Lululemons in a bind over this alleged film that is (according to many credible sources) devoid of actual penis much like Tom Cruise. Now I'm not saying I'm above the fray here, and everyone knows that I LOVE to love my friends who are jazzed about it, but a stripper movie without full-frontal nudity but chock-full of cuddling, abs, and a sweet redeeming message; You know what that sounds like? A porno made by a woman. Now before you electrocute me with your vibrator charger, know that I have plans to see this movie with my girlfriends next week. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Will I enjoy it? Oh surely. Will I get up and dance at the inevitable credits sequence when the aisles fill with the 40+ frumpytown crowd flapping their bingo-wings to Maroon-5's "Moves Like Jagger"? (How terrible is THAT song, by the way) Sure. But just know that I'm keeping things in perspective and probably drinking beforehand.
"I've NEVER seen anything this sexy!!" - Woman who doesn't get HBO
- Health Care zealots. I don't care what side of the aisle your legs part for, this hasn't even been a real thing for 48 hours and already I'm seeing broken homes, SHOUTING IN ALL CAPS, musket-bearing inquisition, tears, bed-wetting, home foreclosure, and divorce. Not really, but I did literally have someone un-follow me on Pinterest for the first time over my political views. PINTEREST. How I know this is not important...the important thing is, all is fair in love and Facebook, but don't deprive me of seeing your 89th re-pin of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" It's just such an original message that few people have seen before and everyone needs to hear. Again. Anything but that harsh punishment...I beg you.
- People complaining about the heat. A good friend of mine was very pregnant at this time last year and she didn't turn into Scarlet O'Hara withering on her front porch. She and her studmuffin baby boy are still here, doing fine. Drink some water, find a friend with a pool, and only leave your dog in the car for 4 hours, tops. This is not Somalia; we have air-conditioning. And regarding the screen-shot iPhone Facebook updates...keep them coming. I'm creating a virtual weather map of all my friends with smart phones and I need a temperature pic from everyone. No exceptions.
- The FroYo craze. I'm ready to go back to cupcakes now.
- People who can't take a joke. I sarcastically made a comment the other day that I support the aborting of all babies in every circumstance. 6 seconds later I got a tersely-worded message in my Facebook inbox (because apparently that's still a thing) chiding me for my insensitivity. Don't create drama where there is none. Laugh at stuff and go on about your day. And for the love of blog, don't send me a Facebook message. I mean, really. We're adults now...text me.
- The European quasi-thong bikini bottom craze (abbreviated to "EQITBBC".) Do you think you're on the French riviera right now? No. You're in a Shockoe Bottom parking lot with a concrete pool surrounded by former frat boys and Bank of America employees. I don't know where you bought it and I don't care, but for the love of Daily's frozen margarita pouches, can you please exercise an ounce of self-control and cover both cheeks?
That's all. I've aired my grievances. Who else has things to share?
