Forbidden Post #1: Religion

Okay everybody...hold on to your respective Rosary and Yarmulkes. This is a post about religion, but we're going to get through this and everybody will be fine. Now it's been awhile since my last World Religions class, and I'm paranoid about offending someone/something by not capitalizing first letters of religious nouns, so I'm going to capitalize all of it. Bear with me. Thanks.

*DISCLAIMER*
You may want to reconsider reading this post if:
- The only thing on your iPod is 1990's Christian rock
- The only thing on your iPod is "_____" (is there such a thing as "Atheist" music? If so, that.)
- You are receiving pastoral "de-gayification" counseling
- Your most recent list of Google searches includes more than one query involving the term "jihad"
- You came upon this blog by Googling "jihad"
- You can't see out the back window of your car due to numerous bumper stickers lauding Charles Darwin
- You would consider sending your kids to the church from the documentary "Jesus Camp"
- You 'celebrate Christmas on a day in September when you know it won't be commercialized'


So yesterday in the aftermath of the tectonic plate-diving (that's 'earthquake', to those of you who didn't have Ms. Beachy for 9th grade Life Science), I couldn't help but think to myself "Welp, any minute now Pat Robertson is going to pop out of hiding with an explanation for all of this."

Good ol' P-Rob; are we even threatened or angered by him anymore? Such a goofy dude; I feel like he's woven into the fabric of American folklore, much like Johnny Appleseed. He seems to have a "Biblical" explanation for everything. Now I have many (ok, a few) dear friends who take the good ol' B-I-B-L-E literally, and I love those kiddos. But I have a problem: does religion NEED to explain everything in order to be useful? I understand that I am just one lone blogger in a sea of millions who have already chewed, swallowed, and digested this topic, but I want to chew on this morsel a little more; there's still plenty of flavor left.

If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend the book "The Unlikely Disciple" by Kevin Roose. You'll find it in the "Religion and Spirituality" section of Barnes and Noble, but don't let that throw you; it's an account of a student from Brown University who goes undercover for a year at Liberty University, arguably one of the most conservative schools in America. It will make you laugh, it will make you think, it will make you angry, and it might even make you reconsider your spiritual position. Endorsements aside, the author points out something very insightful in the beginning of the book: he says something like, "Going after fundamentalist Christians is like hunting dairy cows using an assault rifle and a scope." It's unnecessary, and a bit cruel. I don't want to do that. I believe in God. I go to church. I respect all brands and doses of religion, provided they don't give rationale for hating people or setting things on fire... I don't like fire. But I've always been fiercly proud of my critical thinking skills, and I think EVERY dicey topic in the world could use a good dose of critical thinking from time to time. Agree? Then take a walk with me, here...

Fundamentalist Pat Robertson has a penchant for explaining the unexplainable using what he believes to be "Biblical" reasoning. He and his cronies feel that they have to scramble to explain everything that comes along in the news, or else risk discrediting a belief in God. Why? Why must we take the "magic" out of the world and explain the unexplainable? Is that the job of religion? If we don't believe that the Bible explains everything, does it mean we don't believe in God? I can't get on board with that. I think that's a very simplistic way of looking at things, and one that requires the bare minimum of reasoning and critical thinking skills. I think that part of faith is knowing that there are many things that can't be explained by anyone (spiritual or otherwise) and accepting that even in our logic-crazed world, there won't always be an answer. I think that the Pat Robertsons of the world are making those of us with religious convictions look like obsolete dingbats. In times of crisis, he gets on the TV and sounds off. Many strong Christians feel that they have to make a choice; do they believe him, or not? Are they on the Crazy Bus, or are they off? I want to tell these guys "it's OK to be moderate...God gave us the ability to reason!" The Gospel makes it pretty clear that the Christianity Buffet is open 24-hours, there's no dress code, and it's all-you-can-eat, so why would it not be OK to sample what you want and leave behind the gospel equivalent of the leftover fried chicken and moldy potato salad?

If you're searching for a spiritual foundation that will explain everything, you're missing the point; the beauty of spirituality IS the unexplainable...the "magic", if you will. All of the Pat Robertsons and Ms. Beachys combined couldn't explain it all. Let's agree to spend our time on earth enjoying the magic.

...That's my opinion, anyway. My apologies if I left out a capitalization.

The Case for the "High-Maintenance" Woman

QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF: What is the greatest thing a guy can say about his girlfriend when talking to his buddies?

"You'd love her, man. She's so chill."
"She's great, she's a very go-with-the-flow, chill girl."
"She's just so chill to talk to. She's down for anything."
"It's great, she's just so down-to-earth and chill."

Chill. That's what we need to be. Every man just wants to have a good, "chill" girl to take home to his family. Can you "chill"? What IS "chill'? Is "chill" saying that you'd rather have your birthday dinner at Dave & Busters with the detritus of America because it's a place your boyfriend/husband enjoys? Is it not asking for the slightly more expensive Hermes bracelet for a birthday present, or not expecting anything at all? Is a "chill" girl just quiet all the time? I see a myriad of problems here; not the least of which is the fact that "chill" isn't actually grammatically correct, but that's a story for a different blog...

In order for me to delve deeper into this, I am going to first broadly define the term "high-maintenance"; unfortunately it's very hard to describe it without using a cliché (interesting....)

High-maintenance (a term once reserved for specialty cars and fussy machinery) describes vocal, opinionated women who have standards for themselves, and won't settle on something just because it will make life easier. They have a lot of self-confidence, self-esteem, and moxie--not to mention, they wouldn't be caught dead at a Dave & Buster’s on their birthday when they'd prefer a tapas bar. They probably dress well. If you still can't quite picture who I'm describing, look at the antagonist from nearly any modern drama; that’s her.

                                                  
Okay bros, why all the animosity toward this Alpha-Female? What about her gets the bros so upset? Any bros out there in the brosphere want to take that one? Why it is that if we don't meet the standards of "chill" we're exiled, or presumed to a ___ (insert common pejorative term for women here.)

I think it's because men love to search out "rarities" with the women they date, and right now, "chill" girls seem to be harder and harder to come by. Were you aware? Our college graduation rate is better than the men's now, our salaries are climbing, and fortune-500 companies love bragging about how many of us they're putting in prime management positions. We're smarter, getting better jobs, making more money, and requiring better stuff that meets our standards. I say it's about time we caught up to the bros! Not to sound like a tampon ad, but...being a woman feels pretty damn good. The "chill" woman is going the way of the kitten heel...frumpy and out of style.

What's a bro to do? Well bros, I hate to tell you but I think you'd best learn to adapt. Maybe men need to start learning different ways to approach the strong-willed and high-maintenance female. The bros need to get out of the bar (and please use hand sanitizer first), into some decent clothes, and immediately head out to where this new breed of woman is hiding. She may be at the museum of fine arts. Perhaps she's at the new wine tasting event. She could be stalking the new fall collection at Nordstrom since she just got a raise last week. YOU WANT TO FIND HER. Maybe she isn't as "chill" as you'd like your companion to be, but she's driven, smart, self-sufficient, and ready for the future. Don't be afraid of the high-maintenance woman. She's certainly not afraid of you.

Sunday Post: Entitlement. We Haz It.

You know what I find really annoying? When all 4 of my $25 Venti Starbucks reusable tumbler cups are in in dishwasher. I mean, really. It grinds my gears. Because then I have to wash one, and frankly Scarlett I just don't have the time.

Welcome to the generation over the overachieving and entitled.

Let me tell you a little bit about ourselves; our parents, teachers, coaches, etc. have pushed, shoved and cajoled us into doing great things (or "average" things, depending on who you ask), and now we've earned the freedom to openly complain about things that just really aren't that bad. Don't believe me? Here are a few that I've caught myself lamenting over. Some are in jest, some are not. You be the judge. Let's just pause and appreciate the fact that this great nation of ours affords us the luxury of complaining about stupid things. Maybe you have a few of your own that you'd like to add...I recently learned that this blog has a "comment" section, so... Go crazy.

- I hate when all I want to do is watch a YouTube video of a cat doing something hilarious, but I have to wait for the dagblasted thing to "buffer." Excuse me, but I didn't see this happening on any Verizon commercial...can you hear me now?

- It's 2011, and the ideal purse size has not been invented yet. Everything is either too big or too small. Either I'm busting the seams trying to cram my Kindle into the damn thing, or it's so big that at the end of the week I find 3 different mix-and-match outfits in there, made up of various layers of clothing I've discarded. Plus belts.

- H&M doesn't have an online store. No further comment.

- Why are people still wasting money on those awkward, tottery, orthotic-looking shoe things that Kim Kardashian is promoting? The Tone-Ups, or whatever. Are we in THAT much of a hurry to wear horribly unattractive footwear? We have the last 30 years of our lives to do that. Plus, leading researchers (and by that I mean my friends who are in PT school/businesses involving exercise) say that they aren't worth squat--which is, by the way, the exercise you should be doing if you REALLY want to improve your butt. 

- Needles are a MISERABLE, barbaric medium of transporting vaccines into the body. We can now transplant livers, hearts and spleens. We can grow various body parts from pumpkin spores. There's topical shampoo to reverse hair loss. And yet...shots. I don't buy it. I'm wise to you, GlaxoSmithKline...there's something you're not sharing with  us. Sadists.

Now that you've taken this trip down misery lane with me, what's a First World Country-type problem that irritates you? Don't be shy. Cyberspace is a friendly place!

Obligatory Post: 5 Reasons Why I Hate Jersey Shore

To make an uninteresting story short, I'm back and this is my new blog. I HAD an old blog, but I can't find it. I literally can't. Nevermind how this is possible, just go with it and add me to your RSS feed. All set? Terrific.


On a less mundane note...It's back. And now I'm not talking about my blog, or my GERD. It's that time of year again when I have to have my typically high-brow (thanks to the careful pruning of my Facebook friend tree) newsfeed blown up with silly quotes, contrived catchphrases, and the name Smooky. I think I have that spelled right...

1. The fact that I am even making a post about J.S. implies that I have strong feelings about it one way or another, which is playing completely into the hands of the producers; love it or hate it, people are TALKING about it, thus garnering interest for this miserable show. The Today Show, The View, The Daily Bugle, Toddlers & Tiaras, Diabetics Monthly...what do they have in common? They all have yappers that inevitably want to come out of the woodwork and yap about their disdain for it.

2. The music. Oh my GAH, the music...what's that called, again? The jerky, I-Can't-Stop-My-CD-From-Skipping soundtrack that runs throughout the 9-minute long show? Do we call it DubStep? I don't even know what it is. But I hate it. Oh, and the fact that they've somehow managed to "mash" it with Italian opera music this season is nothing more than a snarky culture injection that 98% of its target viewing population won't pick up on. Brava.

3. The people. More specifically, the people ON the show. At this point, is there a single non-brain dead person out there who DOESN'T think that they're basically a bunch of terrible, terrible actors? Do people think they're actually creating these catchphrases themselves? THEY'RE NOT EVEN WORDS. Actually, let me clear that up...they're words only in the Black-Eyed Peas sense; those clowns can sputter all the nonsensical literary gravy they want, and we love them for it.

4. The people. More specifically, the people who WATCH the show. Now before you get your undies in a bind, let me break these out into 2 categories: people who watch the show to make fun of it and/or give cultural commentary, and people who watch it because they believe it is actually good television. It's a fine line, and many people tread the middle. Not to single out the high school crowd, but I'm speaking primarily about them because they seem to be the most apt to mimic the behaviors they're seeing. If I see one more glow-in-the-dark bracelet or bedazzled trucker hat, I'm going to beat someone over the poofed head with a duck phone. (Pshh, yeah I know about the duck phone.)

5. We're at the point now where even making fun of J.S. seems passe (imagine there's an accent over the "e" for me. Thanks.) I mean, the late-night comics have picked over this rotting carcass for months and months. The STD jokes have been shared, the spoofs have spoofen, and my grandmother could probably pick a Situation costume out of a Halloween lineup. We've determined that literally every demographic, race, color, and creed is offended by the show in some way, but not quite offended enough to do anything about it. We're spinning the wheels.

What's the meaning of all of this? How do you feel right now? Enlightened? Miffed that you got roped in to reading yet another critical nugget about this terrible show? Satisfied enough to continue reading my blog (pretty-please)? Worried about "where we will go from here" if this audio-visual pollution is part of a downward trend? For that, I tell you to relax. Shock value is nothing new, and it goes in and out of demand. Don't believe me? Think about the 1980's; a time right after the free-love, drugged-out 70's when people reverted back to family values, safe sex, and safer music. Pop culture is a self-cleaning oven. I made that up just now...you can quote me on it.

Also, I heard a rumor that next year they're 86-ing the Shore and putting Gilmore Girls in that spot. No seriously. Check your local listings.