It's been a tough week huh, buddy? We've got rainstorms, morbidly obese cat deaths, fashion disasters at the Met Gala, socially conservative relatives who are confused by how Netflix works yet somehow figured out how to "unfollow" someone on Twitter, and US citizens now fighting a 4-front war in Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Facebook newsfeeds. Times are tough, and I feel like we're all just waiting for the next political world event to just come along and take a crap on us. (They never did catch that Anthrax guy, right?)
In an effort to make myself feel better, I'd like to present for your procrastinating pleasure...Things That Would Occur in My Perfect World. Sorry if I seem stabby... I have a major attitude right now, and not "attitude" in the RuPaul sense.
- I could stand to have about 80% less Instagram on my newsfeed.
Wait. Did you take a bathroom picture of yourself in the 1940's? ZOMFG!!1! Do you have a time machine?! They didn't even have smartphones back then!
Oh, it's a 99-cent app you downloaded on the toilet? Ahhh, you trickster.
- To the next person who publically declares childbirth to be "A beautiful, wonderful, MAGICAL experience" and attaches National Geographic-esque pictures: I hereby sentence you to no less than 1 hour of explaining Tumblr to my parents. Bring a snack.
- No more overly-symbolic ornate wedding crap. I just don't care. Even though you inlayed your Save-The-Date card with real cork from the bottle of wine you drank on the night of your engagement, it's going where the rest of the Save-The-Date cards go. On my refrigerator. The SIDE of the refrigerator. Behind the Dominos and Merry Maids coupons. Held up by a lewd Stewie Griffin magnet.
- Anytime a socially-conservative buffoon appears on a late-nite talk show, we would get what we actually want to see: the host heckling and making fun of them for an hour while the audience claps and throws things. No more politeness. Jay Leno, I don't care what Rick Santorum thinks about the new Avengers movie. But I WOULD like to see a pro-choice, pink-haired lesbian mom from The Bronx impale him with a 2x4.
- Someone should just come out with a "Stoned Hippies with Acoustic Guitars: The Immaculate Collection" album so I know what to get all these kids for college graduation.
- In the iPhone 4s commercial featuring Zooey Deschanel, when she looks out her window at the rain and asks her phone, "Is it raining?" the phone would answer,"No, God is taking a pee." And then say "I've found a list of juvenile sight loss specialists fairly close to you."
- The formula: 50 Shades of Grey + Mean Girls + The Notebook. Regina George gets smacked around in a dungeon, Lindsay Lohan is hot again, and Ryan Gosling....watches, I guess...
- Anyone who "bravely defended their faith" by supporting Amendment 1 would be forced to take a Community Chest card: It might say "Go Directly to Heaven" or it might say "Move Forward 10 Years. Explain to your Homosexual Son/Daughter Why You Think They Are Inferior to Society. Pay $1,200 Annually in Therapy Bills."
Who's got one they want to share??
- Elyse
amazing.
ReplyDeletethat's all i have to say about that.
OMG.
ReplyDeleteYou are tooooo funny! I want to steal all your sayings and put them on my own blog. Especially Zooey Deschanel's commercial.
I would like to just have the facebook newsfeed go away. I don't care that you worked 14 hours yesterday, that it's your last day of classes, that you floss in between your toes with socks or that you are SO EXCITED ABOUT SOME TRIP YOU ARE TAKING! I need a million dollars, food that tastes good that I can eat all the time and LOSE weight from it, and my cat to stop attacking me in the middle of the night. But I'm not telling the whole world about it.