This is Snark Week

Good to see everyone! How's your August? I was planning on keeping my mouth shut until I had something REALLY important to say, but then I remembered that in social media, "important" is a relative term. (See: no less than 2 home videos of children's toilet activities uploaded to Facebook this week. Gross, people. Unacceptable. SOME of us are still enjoying our twenties here, and don't appreciate the reminder that we will someday get excited by kids peeing in toilets.) 

There has been some ridiculousness going on out there. I don't know if the lack of a hurricane is causing people to do weird stuff in order to compensate, but I'm almost thinking that a few days of a power outage might actually do everyone some good. I didn't post last week for some very valid reasons (1.decided to microwave some pizza bagels instead, and 2. forgot) but recent activity has forced me to out my opinion. 

Here's what's irking me this month: 

1. TLC's "Here Comes Morbidly Obese Redneck Family"

OK Guys, this has gone on long enough. We MUST put a stop to the train wreck white-trash obsession. I know why you watch the show; you watch it ironically, right? You would just as soon see this entire family get hit by a food truck than compete in a beauty pageant. I get it. But what happens when America gets hungry for even MORE trash TV? We will keep pushing the envelope of 'awful.' Here's what I propose: STOP WATCHING IT. Don't watch it ironically. Don't watch it to make fun of it. Don't talk about it, post about it, joke about it... NYET. Every time you make fun of their "pregnantest" 17 year old, that's like another $10 in their plus-size pocket. In terms of the media, negative attention is almost always better than positive attention. Stop giving them attention and they will go away, much like stray cats. Do it for the next generation...if we don't put a stop to this, they could be watching TLC's "X-Treme Celebrity Toilet Cam" or "Are You Smarter than a Sex Criminal?" End it now. 

ALSO...what the hell are we "Learning" from TLC, anymore?! Back in the days before I had to get a summer job, I remember waking up around the crack of noon and gagging/dry-heaving my way through "A Baby Story." This show was stupid, dramatic and gross...all placentas and blood and whatnot... but at LEAST it was semi-educational. I've known I wanted a "pitocin-free water birth" since before I was old enough to know the anatomically correct terms for sex organs. For THAT, I thank you TLC. 

2. Paul Ryan. 
Republicans, I just don't know what to do with you anymore. Obama has done EVERYTHING for you, and you just can't deliver a decent campaign; IT'S YOURS TO LOSE!! Even I know this! Thank God for the Olympics, or we'd really have a morale issue in this country. All you had to do, G.O.P., was NOT pick 2 wieners for the conservative nomination, and you couldn't even do that. You had 4 YEARS to scour every diner, drive-in, and dive and you came up with Mittens and this other dude? Unacceptable. Let me tell you why this dynamic duo is going to have a hard time: social issues. In honor of Shark Week, consider the following metaphor: Obama's campaign has smelled the blood in the water concerning the contraception and Planned Parenthood issue, and they've come out with several scary ads essentially depicting Mittens as a sex-ed (*"family life", for those of you raised in the South) teacher from the 1950's. "I don't like no Planned Parenthood" is not going to sit well with the ladies, and with any dude savvy enough to know that this is an important service for men AND women. Oh and Paul Ryan, I know all about you and your anti-choice, homophobic ways. You've buried it for now, but you're on drugs if you think Tom Brokaw isn't going to transvaginal-ultrasound you with uncomfortable questions during the debates. The average American doesn't know much about the economy; they see gas prices go up and say "this is bad", but that's about it. What they DO know about is social issues. You don't have to have a college degree (or even a high school diploma) to speak intelligently about people not being treated fairly. I'm interested to see how this plays out in November. You should be too, because you will be affected. 


3. Out-Of-Control Names for Children. 
I kid you not, there was a "BreyLeigh" sighting last week. We are all so proud that your phonetics skills are at the top of their game; you know how to make "-ly" sounds out of different letters! SWELL JOB. Don't use your kid as a test-dummy for a name that will sound absolutely ridiculous when she is 35. Oh, I'm looking at you too "Macksimus." And don't say "We used it because we've never seen it before!" People have been naming things since the stone age. If nothing has been called that name before, it's probably for good reason. We don't bake "broughnies" in an "ovynne." Keep it simple, keep it classy. Your kid's elementary school teachers will thank you. 


4. Shark Week. 
Yes, everyone loves a shark. I don't hate shark week. I love the word "shark." What I don't get is how there is ANY differentiation between these shows whatsoever. 
Tonight at 8: "Extreme Sharks Jumping out of the Water."
Later at 9: "Extreme Sharks Eating People"
Then new at 10: "Extreme Sharks eating MORE People in the Water."
Followed by: "Sharks: Misunderstood Creatures of the Sea." 
So I guess basically, I just don't know how to feel about sharks because the Discovery Channel keeps confusing me. That's the point I'm trying to make. Also, do people realize that they can watch shark-related things on YouTube all year? Just something to keep in mind. 

5. Gratuitous Party Overload
Gender- Reveal Party. Baby Shower #3. Engagement Brunch. Wedding Dress 2nd Breakfast. Bachelorette PARTY, Bachelorette WEEKEND, Bachelorette UNDERWEAR Party... 
We get it. You like to party. I like to party, too. But if someone invites me to a "Pregnancy Test Reveal Party", I am not going. I won't even respond to the RSVP in the shape of a pee stick. If you have something to celebrate, FANTASTIC!! Tell me which bar you're going to, and we can go nuts. Just don't make it some weird thing where I feel like I have to buy you an occasion-appropriate present. What do you even buy someone for a pregnancy-reveal party? Dramamine? Stretchy pants? 


So there we have it. What's bugging you this month? Tell me maybe.